Life on the road - Erasmus

Hi guys,

I wanted to talk to you today about what's going on in my head, even though I haven't written on this blog in a while.

It's been 13 years now since, full of hope and disappointed by a love story that I thought would not, I decided to leave for the adventure of life: Erasmus. I applied to my university and came in as a third candidate. When they called me to choose the final destination among the 3 possible ones indicated by me: Denmark-Aarhus, Austria-Vienna, Madrid-Spain; the choice was quite easy.

On 27th July 2006 I collected my little things and left for my Erasmus year. I spent 12 wonderful months in Aarhus in which I improved my English but most of all I met wonderful people, I was able in that context to savor the cultural differences with people who came from all over the world: Canada, United States, Africa, Indonesia , China, Japan, Iceland, Australia, Brazil and even Europe ... The most solid friendships, still existing today, are still the lifeblood of my life

When I arrived I was a little fearful and scared, shy like today but with less awareness. Slowly I met my peers and not, I had experiences of university parties, I was able to experience how to study at a university other than the one you come from but most of all I experienced who I really am; it was perhaps the only moment in my life when I was 100% myself. Unlike Italy, I was well accepted for who I was, I didn't have to hide or change my way of doing things and relating to others just to be accepted, and I often wondered why this difference.

< p> Well today I think I have the answer: Italy has many positive aspects as it is a beautiful nation with so many treasures but unfortunately if you live there you cannot be yourself, never and the events that gradually follow one another in this beautiful country proves it.

If you are not part of a system that accepts falsehoods, recommendations, hustlers, political acquaintances, preferential social classes, patriarchy, ... life is complicated.

If you are different from what is considered normal or heterosexuality, skin color, way of thinking you are avoided like the plague even if you hide behind the façade of doing good "Italians are not racists". Well it's not true, maybe they are not all but even those who are not 'if they expressed their opinion contrary to that of the others would be in some way accused for ... This means that there is a fake goodness.

Italians are not able to listen and those who do are considered a person not to hang out with.

If you always say what you think or do not behave like the crowd, you are considered in 2 ways: "crazy" or "unmanageable" and of both subjects people are afraid because if you have nothing to hide it is not possible you can be manipulated so that what you can lose by dating a person like you is greater than what you can earn from you. Then the answer is to ignore the human being.

From 2007 to today the situation has even worsened, kids who "my woman", "you have to do what I say" or who feel strong in pack and perpetrate violence around just because bullying is considered cool on the web as well as violence in general (in fact no one would help someone in trouble but they prefer to shoot the story on istagram or put the video on the internet). Culture is practically non-existent despite the amount of graduates present. If you are killed or raped "you asked for it" or "we must understand they are boys" or even "it is the fault of the dead or the raped because he was a certain type of person or he posed himself in a certain way or even worse he dressed in a certain way "or" it's your fault because you got divorced or left someone ".

I don't like this world but I'm forced to live in it and like me many other people ... I don't have the hope that something will improve (the state and all the institutions, the economic powers are doing everything to barbarize the people because it's easier to control and manipulate).

Passwords for living in this world:

-economic power ,

-patriarchy;

-falsity;

-submission

-violence

-social isolation .

I don't know what you think but a nice picture doesn't come out ... Wherever you tolerate all this is a society you can escape from, not live in ...

My rebellion is my lifeblood

Hello guys,

tonight in the place should be my home or at least I should consider it, I felt out of place.

It has been evident more than ever that it is a place to which I do not belong, to which, perhaps, I never belonged.

My family is as far away from me as possible in the world and I don't know why. They never understood why I behaved in one way rather than another. It is as if every time I need bread they give me water. They know little or nothing about my past because I am not a person who confides in others but they have never seen in my way of behaving a person who has lived something that did not deserve to live. They immediately responded to my rebellion for bullying in the wrong way and never understood. All of them, nobody excluded, would like me different from who I am and they don't even know who I am. They never really knew me, they don't understand what I say, They can't. I am probably not able to explain so well or my way to explain things is not good but it is no matters.

I don't know how I managed to overcome all my messes, psychologically speaking, alone and while others were unintentionally inflicted but now I have the complete picture. All my life I have been told what I was not, what I am unable to do and how useless I was as a human being; I felt humiliated by those I loved most without blinking; I made myself involved so much and I gave so much importance to people who never understood me that I myself came to believe that I was unable to do anything, to be an incapable and useless person at all.

Over the years I have had the financial support of my family, a roof over my head, a warm place to live, to eat, to drink and anything materially necessary for life and I am extremely grateful for this. I thank every day but what good is it to have something if you are not really seen, if nobody notices when you are psychologically in pieces. We live or have lived in a world where only the career counts for those lucky enough to have one, where only working to survive matters. We work so hard to try to give our children and family the best we don't know our children and our family, so much that we get stressed so much from work that we can't even enjoy a lunch or dinner, so much that a conversation that touches the wrong keys makes us become aggressive, so much that we get sick to make up for anxieties and nervousness that push us to think too often and often in a negative way.

We live so taken by futile and material things, by the cult of beauty and having, of perfection that if we leave something out of place or if we don't do something in the way we judge perfect for us, everything becomes an insurmountable problem that we must remedy. we can no longer say "I am tired, I will think of this tomorrow" but only "I have to solve this thing now so I take the thought away".

Personally I think all of this is wrong. That one person, whoever he may be, allows himself to make fun of another, even if only in a bugged mental attempt to encourage change or react, he is wrong. I think nobody deserves to feel a lifetime for nothing and end up believing it. 

Although I have not seen them so far and despite everything I have achieved many goals in my life, goals that many others have not been able to achieve although they were not exactly what I wanted to achieve. I will always be missing in something, I am human but I am happy with who I am and if those around me, my dearest affections do not understand me and will never have the skills to do it patiently. 

I have to go on without needing them to approve or understand me. I must go on now more than ever and continue to do what I do best: love others more than I love myself, study and travel as much as I can without limits and barriers so that I can finally find my place in the world without necessarily having the approvals or the loves that I seek and that I have been looking for all my life.

Goodnight

Mary