My rebellion is my lifeblood

Hello guys,

tonight in the place should be my home or at least I should consider it, I felt out of place.

It has been evident more than ever that it is a place to which I do not belong, to which, perhaps, I never belonged.

My family is as far away from me as possible in the world and I don't know why. They never understood why I behaved in one way rather than another. It is as if every time I need bread they give me water. They know little or nothing about my past because I am not a person who confides in others but they have never seen in my way of behaving a person who has lived something that did not deserve to live. They immediately responded to my rebellion for bullying in the wrong way and never understood. All of them, nobody excluded, would like me different from who I am and they don't even know who I am. They never really knew me, they don't understand what I say, They can't. I am probably not able to explain so well or my way to explain things is not good but it is no matters.

I don't know how I managed to overcome all my messes, psychologically speaking, alone and while others were unintentionally inflicted but now I have the complete picture. All my life I have been told what I was not, what I am unable to do and how useless I was as a human being; I felt humiliated by those I loved most without blinking; I made myself involved so much and I gave so much importance to people who never understood me that I myself came to believe that I was unable to do anything, to be an incapable and useless person at all.

Over the years I have had the financial support of my family, a roof over my head, a warm place to live, to eat, to drink and anything materially necessary for life and I am extremely grateful for this. I thank every day but what good is it to have something if you are not really seen, if nobody notices when you are psychologically in pieces. We live or have lived in a world where only the career counts for those lucky enough to have one, where only working to survive matters. We work so hard to try to give our children and family the best we don't know our children and our family, so much that we get stressed so much from work that we can't even enjoy a lunch or dinner, so much that a conversation that touches the wrong keys makes us become aggressive, so much that we get sick to make up for anxieties and nervousness that push us to think too often and often in a negative way.

We live so taken by futile and material things, by the cult of beauty and having, of perfection that if we leave something out of place or if we don't do something in the way we judge perfect for us, everything becomes an insurmountable problem that we must remedy. we can no longer say "I am tired, I will think of this tomorrow" but only "I have to solve this thing now so I take the thought away".

Personally I think all of this is wrong. That one person, whoever he may be, allows himself to make fun of another, even if only in a bugged mental attempt to encourage change or react, he is wrong. I think nobody deserves to feel a lifetime for nothing and end up believing it. 

Although I have not seen them so far and despite everything I have achieved many goals in my life, goals that many others have not been able to achieve although they were not exactly what I wanted to achieve. I will always be missing in something, I am human but I am happy with who I am and if those around me, my dearest affections do not understand me and will never have the skills to do it patiently. 

I have to go on without needing them to approve or understand me. I must go on now more than ever and continue to do what I do best: love others more than I love myself, study and travel as much as I can without limits and barriers so that I can finally find my place in the world without necessarily having the approvals or the loves that I seek and that I have been looking for all my life.

Goodnight

Mary